My Heart, Your Home: Could this be depression?   

Friday 23 November 2012

Could this be depression?



Last night I went to bed and laid my restless and aching body beneath the sheets, as I settled in for a long night of slumber I began to think. That thinking soon turned into panic and anxiety and tears later followed. Last night I realised something, as I lay in my bed alone.

With this week being 'postnatal depression week', there have been many stories around the internet that I have been reading. With each and every story I read a feeling begins to bubble. A feeling that something isn't quite right. With me. Last night I realised that something definitely isn't right. 

Today I have told my two closest people. I have said the words out loud. I am not yet sure what to do with those words or if those words are real. But today I took a step. Today, I came to the understanding that the way I have been living my life is not normal and I came to the understanding that I want my life to be full again. I have spent the day trying to determine if this is depression. And if it is, when did it start? Is it postnatal depression or has it been around for far longer than that?

About 12 months ago, Anthony and I went out for dinner and I explained to him that I do not feel myself. I had never said these words to anyone before and I cried as they spilled from within me. I told him that I do not feel anymore. I can feel love and I can feel happiness and I can feel anger and I can most definitely feel sadness. But those feelings have been subdued. My excitement never reaches its full capacity and my smile never as bright. My sadness is all consuming and my anger is uncontrollable. I feel irrational and agitated. But all of those emotions, are just not as real as they used to be.

I have noticed that I spend my days waiting. Waiting for the next day to come. Waiting for the next event so that I can enjoy myself. I lack the ability to just enjoy a day because it is a new day. I do not look forward to a new day, I look forward to the next thing. I have no motivation to leave the house, unless it is to accept an invite from another. I have no motivation to go and do for myself. The idea of leaving without my Daughter does not excite me. Where will I go? What will I do?

I don't remember the last time I woke up and didn't feel tired and yet, every night I go to bed and I cannot sleep. If it were possible I would sleep through the day, every day, avoiding spending time on my own.

I do not feel depressed, I do not lock myself in a dark room and cry. This is how I always viewed depression and this is why I struggle to see if depression is where I am. I have had thoughts that I may be a sufferer for quite some time but I have always told myself I have no reason to be depressed and that people around me do. I have always guilted myself out of approaching the topic any further. How can I be depressed, if they are not? After all they have been through?

I do not know wether this is depression, or if this is just normal. But what I do know, is that I do not want to waste my days away, always waiting for the next day. I do not want to be too afraid to enjoy Evelyn's nap time by spending the time by myself. I no longer want to always rely on meeting other people in order to leave the house and I want to be able to feel a real emotion again, in all its fury and rage. I want to feel an overwhelming emotion of happiness, or even sadness. I want that emotion to consume me and to no longer live in this perpetual state of mediocrity.

I do not know if this "funk" started after Evelyn was born, I do not know if it is postnatal depression. Perhaps it started after my Step Father passed away? Or even after watching my Sister go through the pain of losing her child and not being able to help? Or maybe, it has been around for far longer than that and stems from my childhood and the struggles of coming from a broken home?

Whatever the cause and whenever it started, Id like for it to longer be something that keeps me awake at night. Today I took my first step. I said the words out loud. At some point I will need to make the next step, but for now, leaning on my people and letting those words spill, that is big enough and scary enough for me. The rest will have to follow...

10 comments:

  1. I am really enjoying reading your blog, I love the way you write. You have explained this feeling so well, and it is exactly as I feel. I have a 20 month old daughter and im 26 weeks pregnant with number 2. I look forward to following your next step. Best Wishes and Good luck. Renee

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Renee, I am so glad you are enjoying at that you can relate to this feeling!
      Its good to know when we are not alone. Good Luck to you too
      xxx

      Delete
  2. Jess, you sound like I was, I didn't feel like me for many months after the birth of my son and on looking back also for most of my pregnancy. I loved my son and always thought PND was about not wanting to care or look after your child. I knew something was wrong but wasn't brave enough to admit it. My mum was brave though and asked me if I was really "ok" and wouldn't let me fob her off with I'm just tired, anymore. Mum insisted I go see my GP and I was referred for counselling. It was the best thing anyone has done for me and I'll be forever grateful to her for that, because I'm me again. Good luck to you with your next step.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think that is how I have felt... I adore Evelyn and so never saw these emotions for what they really are.
      I am so glad you had your Mum there with you to help support and guide you through that time xx

      Delete
  3. Jess, I'm both saddened for you and relieved for you when reading this post. Saddened because I know it can be overwhelming when you do have that moment of realisation, and you sound like an otherwise very bubbly and positive person. But relieved because making the realisation and reaching out to people IS the first step (of many that need to occur) and it is a BIG milestone, so you are on your way. As Anonymous spoke about above, a trip to the GP to discuss it is probably a good idea, when you are ready, but don't let the funk feed you its excuses for not going! Thanks for sharing. Wishing you all the best :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is something I definitely have to work on, not letting the funk create excuses!
      I will get there, I owe it to my family to move forward!
      Thank you for your words of support Janelle
      xx

      Delete
  4. Oh Jess, I really feel for you. Don't leave it too long before you take the next step - an appointment with your GP. Every little step from here is one forward not backwards.
    Thinking of you, and thanking you for being brave enough to share x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank You Carly!
      I absolutely want to move forward, so will continue to take those steps
      xx

      Delete
  5. Admitting there is a problem is really the hardest part. I can't recommend finding a good psychologist enough. Life is hard and sometimes we don't cope and that's okay. You are stronger than you know and you WILL find that spark again. x Laura

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think having someone to talk to, regardless, would be such a great help to keeping a balance in life!
      Thank you Laura
      xx

      Delete